a moment of honesty long overdue

i had a revelation yesterday while listening to an old song by audio adrenaline. "i'll be your hands. i'll be your feet. i'll go where You send me." now, when i chose to play this song, i was thinking "oh, let me listen to that fun song that i like so well" not "how am i going to have a soul baring revelation unexpectedly by hearing something again for the first time?". so here it is. and it's not a happy thing but it is a good thing to recognize.

i feel like i am a part of God's body that has been paralyzed. i want to do God's work and go where God sends. the problem is that i don't know where God wants to send me. in fact, i haven't heard a word from God in a while. probably for two or three years. there have been those moments where i understand God better or glimpse God's radiant beauty. but, i haven't felt a leading presence. i have forgotten what my faith is. and i don't know what to do. so i wait. i don't wait patiently or with great composure either. i wait with tears in my eyes and anguish in my heart. but i wait. and i try not to sink further in these depths of paralysis.

now, i did hear something today in my crucifixion and resurrection class that provides hope. i want you to bear in mind that i am not comparing my present situation in any way to the torment and anguish that Jesus felt on the cross. that is too egocentric even for me. but, i can learn more about what faith and trust is by looking to that moment of utter despair. Jesus cried out to God. Jesus cried out to his God. Jesus cried out to a God that he could no longer see. He prayed honestly and with endearment even when He didn't know if He was to be heard anymore. that is the greatest act of trust.

so, i wait. and i hope. i try to trust. and i cry.

"my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"