i'm scared

i’m scared because i don’t find any joy in ministry.
i’m scared because every time i leave a meeting at my church i feel hopeless and completely drained.
i’m scared that i’m not going to want to do ministry anymore.
i’m scared that all my school has prepared me for ministry and if i don’t do it, i have nowhere to go.
i’m scared that i know all the right theories but i have no idea how to put them into practice or that i do know how and i’m too scared to do it and blame it on lack of time.
i’m scared that I will never know how to organize.
i’m scared that all the parts of my personality that i like are getting buried deeper and deeper within.
i’m scared that i don’t know how to get back to a good relationship with God.
i’m scared that I’m disappointing all the people in my life; especially the ones that i most don’t want to disappoint.
i’m scared that i’m not being a good friend to all the people that i greatly adore.
i’m scared that i’m being very selfish.
i’m scared because i looked forward to this year thinking that it was going to be a confirmation of my call to ministry and an affirmation that i could make it through seminary.
i’m scared that if i do finish seminary, i will be so changed that all i’ve worked for and looked forward to will not seem important to me anymore.
i’m scared that i’m not strong enough to be here; that my faith is weaker than i thought.
i’m scared that i’m becoming fatalistic.
i’m scared that no one will care about these things.
i’m scared that i know there are people who care and i’m just doing this for pity.
i’m scared that i’m going to have to quit all the things that bring me joy so that i can do better the things that i don’t enjoy.
i’m scared that my pastor will tell me it was wrong to make plans to go home when that’s the thing i need most right now.
i’m scared because the only joy i get is looking forward to the times when i get to leave this place.
i’m scared that i’m trying to be really honest and i’m still trying to fool myself.
i’m scared that the only reason i really like to hang out with teenagers is because i don’t want to leave my adolescence because i’m scared that i can’t make it as an adult.
i'm scared that God will be hurt because i’m writing some of these things.
i’m scared that i just said that statement because it makes me sound like i have some kind of power over God and i know that’s not true.
i’m scared that the things i hold on to most dearly are slipping away from me. where are my hope and my joy and my faith?
i'm scared that i’m going to be so stressed out this year that i lose a significant part of myself and i may never get it back.
i’m scared because i don’t know if i should ask for help, how i should ask or whom i should ask.
i’m scared that i’m going to be a burden on people who already have enough to worry about.
i’m scared that i’m not going to be able to breathe all semester.
i’m scared that this list is so long and i don’t even feel like i’ve started.
i’m scared that people are going to reply to this and try to help and i’m scared because i don’t want them to.
i’m scared because lately the things i’ve enjoyed most have nothing to do with ministry.
i’m scared because i just want to love people and i can’t figure out how to do that in a way that will support me.
i’m scared that i’m saying i don’t want to do youth ministry anymore because i want myself to still want to do that.
i'm scared because i don't know how to help people.
i'm scared because i only want to do the fun and exciting things in ministry and i want to avoid anything hard.
i’m scared that the world won’t want the international youth ministry that i want to do.
i’m scared that i have found no joy at all in my studies here.
i’m scared to quit.
i’m scared that i’m supposed to quit.
i’m scared because i don’t know what i would do if i quit.
i’m scared that i haven’t learned anything in my years of school and everyone is expecting me to become some kind of expert and i’ll know nothing about what i’m supposed to know about.
i’m scared that i’m always going to be fraudulent when i apply for a job because i won’t ever be able to do that job as it should be done.
i’m scared because i have no idea what “the best of my abilities” are because i’ve never done anything wholeheartedly, passionately or with all my strength.
i’m scared because i know i thought of more things to put on this list on my drive home and i’m afraid that i could keep going indefinitely.
i'm scared that this post is going to make a lot of people worry.
i'm scared that I want to say 'everything is going to be all right' and that i was supposed to make this list but it just seems tonight that everything is not going to be all right and i'm going to feel a lot of these feelings for the rest of my life.
i'm scared because i don't want to end on an optimistic note.
i'm scared that things are going to seem a whole lot better in the morning and no one is going to believe me when i say i'm fine.
i’m scared.