my confession

i went to the well tonight and it was really good for me. last week, i heard a message that really encouraged me but i must have forgotten about it during the week. i still felt better about things last week and i could tell things were getting better but my relationship with God was still not where it should have been. tonight, i realized some of the things that are wrong with my heart. first revelation is that i'm trying to restrict/confine God. i have been so focused on missing the kind of worship that i had at southwestern that i didn't believe it was possible for God to be present here. and when i say that, i can hear how ridiculous it is. but that's what i have been doing. i wouldn't let myself think that the Spirit could be moving here as well. and because my mind wasn't open to it, my heart wasn't open to it either and i stagnated. i came here from a summer of doing ministry but i know that my heart was not right when i was doing that either. i'm beginning to see how much leaving southwestern has affected me. sc was a huge blessing in my life. really the best i've ever felt. but i have to learn how to let go of that so that i can begin to let it happen all over. basically, i'm confessing that my relationship has been going downhill since last may (and possibly even earlier than that). this whole time at seminary, i have been thinking that maybe seminary is not right for me. but i'm beginning to realize that i haven't been right for seminary. this is a place to train the faithful for ministry. but i have not been faithful for a while. as you may have heard me say before, i have not been impacted by my studies and i always blamed the content. but maybe, just maybe, the problem is me. when my relationship with God is not right, everything in my life is not right. the second revelation i had was that i have been severely struggling with two sins in particular. these two sins have worsened during my time in seminary. ha. you would think that seminary is a place where sins would not abound. but as i said before, my heart has never really been in tune with the call of God while i've been here. because i am excessively ashamed of these sins (mind you, i know they're not the only sins i have committed but they have been repeated several times and they are things i am aware of and still consciously commit), i don't feel i can reveal the nature of them, especially in such a public forum. but i feel compelled to confess the struggle and hope that maybe someone will hold me accountable. the third thing that really affected me tonight is that i was finally able to cry honestly to God. i have known that my relationship with God was faltering, to say the least. i am not ignorant that i have been unfaithful. i have tried to pray and i have tried to be repentent and i have tried to be honest but i never gave God the chance to answer me. i would say my prayers and pleas and then turn over immediately and try to let my false dreams and sleep help me. i felt i was being honest with God but i never let God come back to me. tonight, i realized how desperate i am for God and how much i need Him (this realization came while singing 'breathe' . . . the chorus= "i'm desperate for you. i'm lost without you."). i cried. and it's not just that i cried, it's that i was able to cry. i was able to feel something again. for so long, i have been emotionless before God. i could not be joyful and i could not be remorseful. my heart has been awakened again. praise God! and though the feelings are painful, i am so glad that i can feel. i just felt i should share this because i don't want to forget again. i want this to be a reminder to me. i always want to feel God afresh in me. i can sense that the Father is loving me, the Son is healing me, and the Spirit is working in me. i choose not to be lost anymore. i choose to make the first steps on the long road back to glory. not my glory, but God's glory reigning in me and over me. i choose to be God's again. and i pray that God is choosing to forgive and love His servant once more.