two beers and two friends
well, my friend ann and i just had a significant, poignant at times, discussion tonight while partaking in the glory of cider beer. she thought it would be good for me to blog about some of the ideas and i know that i have to do it immediately, lest i forget anything.
it all starts with the social stygma of singleness. we are frequently and brutally confronted with the idea that people need to be in romantic relationship to be happy. (i'll say to anyone in romantic relationship that this is in no way an assault on you or the happiness you've found!) why must people feel they are not complete unless they have a partner?! it's a lie that should be effaced. okay, so here are some of the highlights of the discussion:
- remarks by people who think we need this in our lives
if you are single, i'm sure you have been confronted with the well-intentioned grandma or the curious aunt that says "are there any men (or women) in your life?" or, you are surrounded by friends who are in meaningful relationships (whether dating, engaged, or married). these people are all well meaning in nature but sometimes their questions or statements can be cutting to those who lead the single life. who says that an almost 23 year old should have had a serious relationship by now?! what kind of social standard are we contributing to and perpetuating. it is a glorious thing to find someone you love and want to share your life with but it is not something that should be rushed or something that you feel pressured to get done! there is nothing wrong with leading a life of singleness.
- feelings of inadequacy leading to the need to flirt?
the stygma of singleness can lead to some very destructive internal thoughts, most often of which is the feeling of inadequacy. why haven't i had a relationship? is there something wrong with me? am i unlovable? anyone can agree these are not healthy thoughts. why would we encourage a societal standard that leads to such destructive dementia? these kind of thoughts lead to more quandaries of: what should be done differently if i want to get a mate? do i need to flirt more? do i need to put myself out there in a way i'm not doing? i think not. if a person is socially ept and capable of having normal friendships, i don't think there is the need to be overtly flirtatious in order to land a man (or woman). i'm not saying flirting can't be fun, because it is sometimes. i'm saying it is neither necessary nor is it something that would inherently correct the 'problem' of singleness.
- the need to obsess in a relationship
one problem of singleness is that it may lead a person to overcompensate in other areas of their life. one way this may happen is in unhealthy obsession. a person may become too devoted to friendships in their life; too obsessed with people that are merely comrades and not companions. this can lead to jealousy when that comrade does themself find a romantic companion and leaves the one with the unhealthy obsession with a heart full of jealousy. this is not a healthy relationship. the benefit of having a romantic relationship is that it gives kind of a leeway into having a healthy obsessional relationship. it's okay to be infatuated with one person if they are your romantic partner. it is expected that you would feel more strongly, more passionately, more inclined to do things for them. in other words, it is okay to be obsessed with the one you love romantically.
- God is the one relationship we should pursue whole-heartedly
we must not neglect the fact that God is the one we have to put first. it is right and necessary that we love God more than anything or anyone else. God has to be the King of our heart. God is the only one that deserves such devotion and obsession. romantic relationships can be a beautiful reflection and example of how God loves us, but it can NOT be a substitute. it reminds me of the great commandment. we are to love God with all our being. and then, we are to love our neighbors. God is first but by no means are we to ignore our love for other people. but, we must remember that human relationships, no matter how good they are, are never perfect. there will always be a time when someone you love lets you down. God's love is perfect. God never lets you down. no matter how many times we fail God, God's love is unfailing. how wonderful is that! and, oh how often we forget it! we know that God should be first but why is it that we never really can feel satisfied with that. how selfish are we?! but, even though we are failures, it is necessary to constantly remind ourselve that God is the apple of our eye. God is our truest soul mate. God is the love of our lives. none can compare.
- lives of singleness (1 Cor. 7)
paul writes beautifully on the topics of marriage and singleness. paul upholds that marriage is a beautiful thing and something a person who is married should be dedicated to. also, paul makes the point that singleness should not lead to shamefulness. singleness is a thing to be cherished. think of all the time and energy a single person has to devote to God. marriage is a blessed thing but how much more blessed is a life wholly devoted to God. some people are called to lead a life of singleness and they should not be condemned for it. it can be asserted that some people that are married might have actually been called to a life of singleness but were not able to follow through with that kind of lifestyle. indeed, singleness is a hard thing but it can be joyous as well.
- benefits of singleness
there are many things that i have done and am grateful for that i could not have done had i been married or bonded to another person. i probably would not have been able to see so much of the world or gone on the many adventures i have entertained. a person can be entirely fulfilled without having a romantic relationship. there are many opportunities for a person of single status that may not be open to a couple.
- if it's meant to happen, it will at the right time
while i glorify the state of singlehood, i will admit that i do long for a romantic relationship. but i don't want to be jealous of those with such a relationship because i know there is happiness and joy in both situations. i am a believer that if it's meant to happen, it will at the right time. it could be that someone is called to a life of singleness. it could be that someone is called to a life of singleness until they are forty. it could be that someone is called to a life of singleness until they are in college. it's a hard thing to discern. but there is always hope and there is always reassurance when we give our concerns and dreams to God and trust that things will happen in the right time, God's time. admittedly, it would be a whole lot easier if God would just tell us what's going to happen so we don't have to worry about it but maybe this is a lesson in trust and obedience.
disclaimer: i just want to remind everyone that this was not a knock on relationships but a commentary on the inappropriateness to condemn singles to lives of unhappiness or unfulfillment.
*ann, if there is anything i left out, feel free to remind me and i will edit!
it all starts with the social stygma of singleness. we are frequently and brutally confronted with the idea that people need to be in romantic relationship to be happy. (i'll say to anyone in romantic relationship that this is in no way an assault on you or the happiness you've found!) why must people feel they are not complete unless they have a partner?! it's a lie that should be effaced. okay, so here are some of the highlights of the discussion:
- remarks by people who think we need this in our lives
if you are single, i'm sure you have been confronted with the well-intentioned grandma or the curious aunt that says "are there any men (or women) in your life?" or, you are surrounded by friends who are in meaningful relationships (whether dating, engaged, or married). these people are all well meaning in nature but sometimes their questions or statements can be cutting to those who lead the single life. who says that an almost 23 year old should have had a serious relationship by now?! what kind of social standard are we contributing to and perpetuating. it is a glorious thing to find someone you love and want to share your life with but it is not something that should be rushed or something that you feel pressured to get done! there is nothing wrong with leading a life of singleness.
- feelings of inadequacy leading to the need to flirt?
the stygma of singleness can lead to some very destructive internal thoughts, most often of which is the feeling of inadequacy. why haven't i had a relationship? is there something wrong with me? am i unlovable? anyone can agree these are not healthy thoughts. why would we encourage a societal standard that leads to such destructive dementia? these kind of thoughts lead to more quandaries of: what should be done differently if i want to get a mate? do i need to flirt more? do i need to put myself out there in a way i'm not doing? i think not. if a person is socially ept and capable of having normal friendships, i don't think there is the need to be overtly flirtatious in order to land a man (or woman). i'm not saying flirting can't be fun, because it is sometimes. i'm saying it is neither necessary nor is it something that would inherently correct the 'problem' of singleness.
- the need to obsess in a relationship
one problem of singleness is that it may lead a person to overcompensate in other areas of their life. one way this may happen is in unhealthy obsession. a person may become too devoted to friendships in their life; too obsessed with people that are merely comrades and not companions. this can lead to jealousy when that comrade does themself find a romantic companion and leaves the one with the unhealthy obsession with a heart full of jealousy. this is not a healthy relationship. the benefit of having a romantic relationship is that it gives kind of a leeway into having a healthy obsessional relationship. it's okay to be infatuated with one person if they are your romantic partner. it is expected that you would feel more strongly, more passionately, more inclined to do things for them. in other words, it is okay to be obsessed with the one you love romantically.
- God is the one relationship we should pursue whole-heartedly
we must not neglect the fact that God is the one we have to put first. it is right and necessary that we love God more than anything or anyone else. God has to be the King of our heart. God is the only one that deserves such devotion and obsession. romantic relationships can be a beautiful reflection and example of how God loves us, but it can NOT be a substitute. it reminds me of the great commandment. we are to love God with all our being. and then, we are to love our neighbors. God is first but by no means are we to ignore our love for other people. but, we must remember that human relationships, no matter how good they are, are never perfect. there will always be a time when someone you love lets you down. God's love is perfect. God never lets you down. no matter how many times we fail God, God's love is unfailing. how wonderful is that! and, oh how often we forget it! we know that God should be first but why is it that we never really can feel satisfied with that. how selfish are we?! but, even though we are failures, it is necessary to constantly remind ourselve that God is the apple of our eye. God is our truest soul mate. God is the love of our lives. none can compare.
- lives of singleness (1 Cor. 7)
paul writes beautifully on the topics of marriage and singleness. paul upholds that marriage is a beautiful thing and something a person who is married should be dedicated to. also, paul makes the point that singleness should not lead to shamefulness. singleness is a thing to be cherished. think of all the time and energy a single person has to devote to God. marriage is a blessed thing but how much more blessed is a life wholly devoted to God. some people are called to lead a life of singleness and they should not be condemned for it. it can be asserted that some people that are married might have actually been called to a life of singleness but were not able to follow through with that kind of lifestyle. indeed, singleness is a hard thing but it can be joyous as well.
- benefits of singleness
there are many things that i have done and am grateful for that i could not have done had i been married or bonded to another person. i probably would not have been able to see so much of the world or gone on the many adventures i have entertained. a person can be entirely fulfilled without having a romantic relationship. there are many opportunities for a person of single status that may not be open to a couple.
- if it's meant to happen, it will at the right time
while i glorify the state of singlehood, i will admit that i do long for a romantic relationship. but i don't want to be jealous of those with such a relationship because i know there is happiness and joy in both situations. i am a believer that if it's meant to happen, it will at the right time. it could be that someone is called to a life of singleness. it could be that someone is called to a life of singleness until they are forty. it could be that someone is called to a life of singleness until they are in college. it's a hard thing to discern. but there is always hope and there is always reassurance when we give our concerns and dreams to God and trust that things will happen in the right time, God's time. admittedly, it would be a whole lot easier if God would just tell us what's going to happen so we don't have to worry about it but maybe this is a lesson in trust and obedience.
disclaimer: i just want to remind everyone that this was not a knock on relationships but a commentary on the inappropriateness to condemn singles to lives of unhappiness or unfulfillment.
*ann, if there is anything i left out, feel free to remind me and i will edit!
posted by kyledawn @ 1:32 AM
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