i have finally figured something out

this is my revelation of the day. i really should have taken a year off between college and seminary. i needed one. and in essence, i almost actually did take this year off from serious study. if you are a regular reader, you have probably picked up on the strand that i really haven't done my homework this year. i haven't done quality work here at seminary and at times i often wondered why i was here and how i actually got in. many times i have felt inadequate. i'm beginning to postulate that a significant number of people here feel inadequate so maybe that's just a sign of the kind of intellectuals that are here. it might stem from the whole notion from socrates that a wise man knows he knows nothing. does anyone ever really feel they are smart enough? i tend to think those that are honest with themselves probably don't ever have significant confidence in that area. please feel free to disagree...

i would like to say that in my disgrace of seminary/academic study, i have encountered much grace. just one example from today: there is a preceptor i have that i really didn't like at the beginning of this semester. i pretty much thought he hated me and thought i was an idiot. (note: this is the preceptor of the class of the paper fiasco last night). today, he made it a point to tell me that everyone makes mistakes and this is why it's great that we participate in a faith of grace. he wanted to make sure i didn't feel unworthy. amazing. how easy i forget that everyone here loves the same God i do and are also seeking to faithfully serve God. it's so easy to get lost in the academic rigamarol.

so, in regard to my revelation of needing a year off, there is hope. i guess i got all my slacking off out of the way and am ready for serious intellectual inquiry. this is evidenced in the fact that i successfully read (and understood!) all of the readings for systematic theology this week. yes, this may seem a minor accomplishment to those who have faithfully done their homework all along but it really was an important step for me. not only did i read these assignments, i was compelled to read them. i wanted to do my homework. i don't think i took a single nap this week. instead i found the time to do what i came to seminary to do. i am sad to say that my homework accomplishment did not manifest itself in my precept. as per usual, i was silent in class. i think this is mostly because i didn't do a lot of the readings before so i couldn't build off of what was already learned by my classmates. i was, however, very glad that i could at least follow the conversation this time. i really love that precept and am thankful for all in it. i'm sorry to them that i haven't honestly pursued the integrity of academic study this semester. i have learned my lesson well. and, most importantly, i am hopeful. i have hope that i am ready for this pursuit of seminary education. i have hope that next year, my fellow classmates will encounter an entirely new kind of kyle. i have gratitude for the patience and grace i have been shown in this time off that i have had. grace and peace.