congestion of the heart

last night i had the opportunity to go to the matt redman, louie giglio and chris tomlin concert. it had been so long since i have gone to anything like this. many of my college days were spent seeking this kind of event. this time, it just fell into my lap. i got to work with star 99.1 (a christian radio station). i just had to work at one of their tables for an hour in exchange for a concert ticket. it was pretty cool (except that i ended up working an hour and a half missing louie altogether and missing some great chris tomlin songs that i could hear wafting up the stairs). the funny thing is that i've been so spiritually dry lately, and i've admitted this and want to work on it, that i thought this might be a great jumpstart. i remember fondly the days from high school and college when i would go to a concert and joyously have that strange heartwarming experience that wesleyans hold so dear. i really was hoping this would happen last night.

but as the concert started, i realized how cynical i have become. instead of appreciating those worshipping around me, i was internally criticizing them. i mean, how could they almost instantaneously be so drawn in to worship that they were raising their hands and closing their eyes on the first song! and yet, i used to do that. i miss it. while i was standing there with my hands in my pockets, i really did try to get honest with God. i really did want to have my heart become free of whatever was congesting it. i wanted to worship. i just have simply forgotten how.

it may be that if i had been there on the floor for the entire concert, including louie's talk, that i would have eventually found the way to let go of whatever was inhibiting me. but, i had to leave an hour into it to work the table. not to say that i begrudge my responsibilities. i was very happy to work at the table. and i am grateful to have gone to as much of the concert i did. i am especially glad to have talked with some of the people i talked with. to see that there are still people who live their lives with God always at the forefront of their mind. that is beautiful. i want that. not the theology of God at the forefront of my mind, but God.

today in class we were learning about the great c.s. lewis. it was all quite interesting. but nothing really hit me until dr. osmer read one of jack's quotes (i feel as though this bit of connection allows me to call lewis by his preferred name of jack!).

an obligation to feel can freeze feeling
and reverence itself did harm

i have been struggling with an obligation to feel for almost all of my time at seminary. and i have found that my feelings have really been frozen. i don't know if reverence has done harm rather that i have forgotten how to revere.

as i was thinking about writing this post, i thought all my true feelings and points of enlightenment would just flow from my fingers. but so far, i've only been able to type the points that i had already thought out in my head. and though i wanted to feel more relief in putting out there what i have been thinking and hopefully to make myself vulnerable enough to take away some of the congestion, i feel the same. i think this may be a step. or it could be me again trying to force feeling. i don't know. there's just one more thing i think i should say about my latest revelations.

i know that i'm not living my life as i had intended. it's become so much about me. i want to go places. i want to buy things. i want to graduate seminary. i want to have a lot of friends. i want to do what makes me feel good. i want to be recognized for things i've done. i want to go back to how it used to be. i want to be an autonomous person. i want to depend solely on me. i. i. i. it's always 'i' now. what about what God wants? i have to figure out how to stop starting with 'i' and begin starting with God.

Lord, help me remember.